The Journal of Ramón the Mink of Love

Tra la la la la

Thu, 01 Jan 2009 07:49:27 GMT

I'm caught up! 2008 is out the door, just in time for the new year. Yay.

So...ever wondered how to get out of those awkward family holiday gatherings? Ever wondered how to fix it so you never get invited to one ever, ever again? Let Ramón help!

Next, you will be needing to be getting yourself into the proper frame of mind. This is the perfect time to be raiding your family's liquor cabinet! The spiced rum, the brandy, and the mulled grain alcohol are all being traditional drinks for this time of the year. Of course, the Holiday Spirit is demanding that you are adding the dollop of the eggnog to whatever (or whomever) you are consuming. It is vital that, all the Holiday long, you are maintaining just the right about of Inebriation. The inhibitions, they are the enemy of the Holiday Cheer!

'Tis the Season to be Minkly!

The Mink is Back!

Mon, 22 Dec 2008 02:18:21 GMT

Burnout is a horrible, horrible thing. But I'm very slowly clawing my way out of the heap of crap that's built up over these past couple of months. So here's your beloved mink, back at last.

This time it's about holiday travel. Here's the excerpt:

Those who are regular readers of these most humble writings are already knowing my feelings about the prudish, uptight airport security personnel. Why, given the amount of times that they have been tackling and ...their “War on Terror” might as well be the “War on Love!” However, fortunately for us all, I have at long last been finding the loophole to their hated four-ounces-of-liquid rule. Whenever I am traveling, I am sure to be bringing several liters of the prescription-strength Lubridex™ brand lubricant! Each milliliter of this precious liquid is having a slipperiness of over 10,000 on the Grease Scale. And because it is a medicine only available through your doctor or pharmacist, those Manly airport security goons aren't likely to be taking it away from you. (If they are asking why you are needing it—just grin and offer to show them!) Thanks to Lubridex™, this mink is once again able to Practice his Arts on the many flight attendants who have been Missing his Minkish Ministrations.

Back to the Mink!

We're up

Mon, 03 Nov 2008 10:54:54 GMT

Gah. Travel. Work-related stress. And this damned election. I'm not going to be good for anything until Wednesday. But here's Ramón's take on the election. Fair warning though: there are some subtleties of politics that are lost on his poor minkly mind.

October's exercept:
But of Obama and McCain, Senator McCain has been convincing me more that he is the Candidate of Passion. Sure, the Obama might be sounding good at first, with all of the talk of the “diplomacy” and the “responsibility.” But when have these things ever been helping you, the average Joe Lover? We are not needing the president who will be handling all of the responsibilities with the restraint, like the lonely and sad virgin sitting at the side of the high school dance. We are needing the Leader who will be Grabbing the Life by the Horn, and taking action! He will be Letting Loose his Virile Bombast, and Thrusting his way into every Dangerous Spider Hole with Abandon. That is why we are needing John McCain.

Vote for the Mink!

Back to School

Wed, 17 Sep 2008 08:15:08 GMT

This month His Minkliness has some tips for you all who are going to college for the first time. How to survive in college, live on next to nothing, never sleep, and, yes, to Find the True Love!

An excerpt:
“I hear the classes are all really hard.”
Sure, some of the classes are being very difficult...but probably not the ones that you will be taking. After all, who is wanting to be studying the Quantum Physiologistics or the Planar Topology? These subjects, they are being dry and uninteresting and flat, and the people who are studying them are being dull and lifeless. But what about the classes you will be taking? The Psychology of Sex? The Human Anatomy? The Gay and Lesbian Studies (so you can be Truly Studying those gays and lesbians)? Everyone is knowing that these classes are being the easy As. All you are having to do is to show up, and occasionally be Sharing Yourself with the professor and the classmates, and you will be sailing right through!

¡To Ramón!

The Server's Down

Sun, 17 Aug 2008 05:52:16 GMT

Ramón would be up...really. It's just that I got it all done late last night, and found that I had nowhere to put it. My friends who host doomchicken.net in their basement are having issues with their ISP. They can't even check e-mail from home right now.

Regardless, it's written, and just waiting for a place to be posted. I'm doing it on ways to be the "perfect girlfriend," after interviewing five whole (fictional) guys with silly names. Here's the preview.

Often, the guys are living like the slobs, and not knowing how to be taking care of themselves. So it is being no surprise that they are Loving the woman who is nurturing, and is always having their best interests in mind. Cooking him the Sensual Meals, Giving to him your Sweet Medicine when he is feeling sick, and otherwise keeping his head on straight are all the good ways to be Showing your Love.
“I was on a hot date with this new girl, and things were going hot and heavy when I realized that I didn't have a condom. But when I checked my wallet, I saw that my fiancée had packed one for me! She'd written ‘Good Luck!’ on it with a marker. Now she's a keeper!”
-Duke, 31

Minkward! (when it's working again)

Wedding Bells

Wed, 16 Jul 2008 07:48:17 GMT

So Ramón's not really *into* marriage, for some reason. But this bit of inspiration hit me recently, and it was too good to ignore. How to have a successful marriage, by Ramón T. Mink. Er...or something like that. :)

A preview:
The second key to maintaining the healthy marriage, it is the Respect. You must always be remembering to be giving the spouse the respect that he or she is deserving, as the co-equal partner. Remember, this person was having the independent, full life before foolishly binding him or herself to you until you are nothing but the cold corpses in the earth. Why should this be being any different now? You should each be maintaining the own hobbies and pastimes and Lusts, without interfering in the life of the other. After all, if the wife is not wanting to tell you that she was spending last night Pleasuring the entire local football team, what business is it being of yours? You should be Respecting her silence in the matter. At the same time, you should be Respecting the spouse when he or she is coming to you with the New Kinks to be Trying Out. When the husband approaches you one night holding the banana, the whip, and the large tarantula, you should be Respecting him enough that you will be trying whatever is in his Dirty Little Mind. This is the kind of foundation on which the strong marriage is built.

Here comes the Mink!

Happy Dance!

Tue, 17 Jun 2008 00:03:08 GMT

June's up, as inspired by a recent event in my life. :)

How should you be dressing at the Contra Dance? Fortunately the attire, it is entirely informal. Although some people are wearing the tuxedos and the evening gowns, most will be dressed for the Comfort and the Easy Access. After all, after only the five minutes the room will be getting Hot and Sweaty, and filled with the Musk of the dancers. The less clothing you are wearing, the better. After only a couple of dances, most of the people will be down to the underwear. Of course, it is important to be wearing the good shoes that will not be leaving the blisters. The best shoes are having the smooth soles, so that you can be spinning and sliding without the effort. If you are choosing to be going barefoot, consider first Greasing Up the feet with the Personal Lubricant.

Dance with the Mink!

Happy May to you all

Sun, 18 May 2008 10:26:47 GMT

This one was actually posted a couple of days ago, but I didn't alert anybody. It was late, I was tired, ~~I was young and needed the money~~...

So...prom. I never actually attended mine, and broke up with one of my girlfriends before hers (Hi Ursula!), so this isn't from personal experience. More, it's from a lifetime of insipid highschool movies. And the following excerpt actually draws on a silly fundraiser than my elementary school ran...albeit with fewer virgins and more vocab lists. :)

First, how shall you be paying for the Prom? After all, as Glorious and Wonderful as these events are, they are not being cheap. The ballrooms and the dresses and the musicians are all costing money, and now more than ever, that is hard to be coming by. Fortunately, this humble mink is having the perfect suggestion: the Virgin-a-thon! Everybody is knowing that many of the young men and women are losing that last vestige of innocence on the Prom night. Why not be turning it into the fund raiser? Get people to be pledging you: the parents, the family, the minister, even the random strangers on the street! If everybody is agreeing to be paying you the five or ten dollars for every Virgin you are Deflowering, you will be paying for the entire Affair in no time!

To the prom!

A Camping We Will Go!

Tue, 22 Apr 2008 01:23:58 GMT

Just posted! It's all about camping, and the way you should be spending your outdoorsy time.

The first step to the Camping, it is to be buying the proper gear. Most important are the tents and the sleeping bags. Is the tent waterproof? Can it be properly hosed down after the Amorous Adventures in the Wild? Does it have the proper hook for your Sling of Love? All of these things, they must be carefully considered by you. The sleeping bag, too, is crucial. After all, is it stylish and sexy enough for a Lover of Luxuries such as yourself? Is it big enough for you and the two or three Lusty Ladies you will be bringing back into it? Will it be light enough to let you be cooling off the Heat you are Making? Be sure to be asking these questions to the salespeople at the sporting goods store you are visiting. These professionals are sure to have the good answer for you.

Let's go!

April Done (but not up)

Wed, 16 Apr 2008 08:20:11 GMT

I just finished the April issue of Ramón, but I'm not going to put it up yet. I feel like March has barely been posted, so I want to give it a few more days in the proverbial limelight. But since I'm done, I'm calling it on-time as respects my yearly goal of only two late postings.

Now I've gotta go read a paper. Research has been a real bitch for the last 24 hours.

March Is (Finally) Up

Thu, 03 Apr 2008 08:20:59 GMT

Things are late...very late. Sorry about that everybody. I've been really busy lately with writing journal articles. They're not nearly as fun as Ramón is, but they do help toward that silly doctorate thing.

Anyway, here's March. It's all about drinks, and what someone's choice of beverage means for you when you want to pick them up. Here's your sample:

The Lite Beer
The lite beer, it is presenting the challenge. The people who are drinking this show that what they like best, it is thin, watered-down, and tasteless. Your best bet is to be playing the rebel. Find the trucker hat with the Confederate flag and the enormous belt buckle, and wear them prominently. Also, adopt the American Southern or Midwest accent, and punctuate the speech with phrases like “gosh-durned,” “you betcha,” and “yee-haw!”

Mink Me!

February's Up

Sat, 16 Feb 2008 13:02:12 GMT

This month marks seven years of Ramón. Wow...I can't tell if that's a great accomplishment, or a sign that I really need to get a life.

And there was another first today. Some of you may know that I have a subscription to Cosmo. Or rather, that Ramón does. (I'd never have gotten it, but I got it for free by poisoning my body with large amounts of tasty caffeinated sugar water.) Anyway, I've been curious to whom they sell their mailing lists. I got my first answer today, when a copy of the Victoria's Secret Swimsuit Catalog arrived for Mr. Ramon Minkoflove.

Anyway...this month it's on picking a gynecologist. I have no idea if it works or not...after all, for some odd reason I've never seen one of these doctors myself. My more uterine readers will have to let me know if this even makes any sense.

Your minkly preview:
Where is the best place to be looking for the Fem-Doctor? Many women, they are sticking with their hospitals or HMOs to be making this decision for them. Others, they are asking their friends for recommendations or scouring the Internet for the advices of the strangers. Little are they realizing that often the greatest gynos are all advertising in the same places: on the late night television, or in the back pages of the free alternative weekly periodicals. Without fail, these are the doctors who are the most kind, professional, and cost-effective. Believe me, you cannot be waiting to let them be getting their hands on your Private, Passionate Parts.

Give me more!

A Minkly New Year!

Wed, 16 Jan 2008 10:18:09 GMT

Happy New Year!

It's January, which means...another position issue. I'm very happy with the "Propeller," but you'll have to click if you want to see that for yourself. :) In the meantime, here's a quick preview:

The Fervid Facehugger

For this position, the man is simply wrapping himself around the woman's head, like the terrifying Beastie from the bad space opera. The woman's hands are left free, so that she can be Pleasuring him more, Tending to herself, or just flailing about as if she were on Fire.

This position is especially good for allowing the Deep Penetration, which can be most Gratifying to the woman. It is also giving her much control over the Angle of Entry and the speed of the Lovemaking, so that she may be adjusting it to her Innermost Needs.

Link to the Mink

December!

Sun, 16 Dec 2007 13:01:31 GMT

December's up. Which means...2007 is done. I'm counting this as having made my New Year's Resolution, so yay!

(Okay, the picture's not up yet—but I'll have that ready in a few days. Too much stress from holidays and work right now.)

Here are Ramón's words, about how to save money:
What about the expenses of the home? We all know that everyone is paying too much for the telephone, the electricity, and the water and sewage. What is to be done about this? The first thing you can be doing is to be turning down the thermostat. Lovemaking, it is generating much heat. During the summer, two or three will be being sufficient. But during the winter months, you should be inviting the hundred or so closest friends over for the orgy. The more people who are Sharing of Themselves, the Warmer it will be! And if you are mechanically inclined, you can be hooking up the alternator to the bed. That way, every Vibration, every Thrust, and every Earth-Shaking Climax is being converted directly into the electricity! With the added microphone, the Screams of Passion will be saving the money too!

Mink me!

Low on Confidence?

Fri, 16 Nov 2007 12:00:09 GMT

So I thought I'd let Ramón introduce himself this time:
This month I, Ramón the Mink of Love, am writing the special column just for the women. Let us say that your Boyfriend has just been leaving you, none of the old Lovers are returning the calls, and you cannot be finding the Passion anywhere. Who among us (except for me, Ramón the Mink of Love) has not been in such the terrible situation? They are saying that when you are falling off the horse that you must be getting right back into the saddle again, as if nothing were being wrong. But how can you be doing this, when the whole world, it is rejecting you? How can you be regaining the Confidence?

Be afraid. Or amused. Or whatever...it's 4:00 in the morning, and I really don't care.

Ramónward!

Tue, 16 Oct 2007 11:30:08 GMT

Another late night in order to get this "up" by the 15th.

It's October, and that means the mink takes on Halloween once again. This one's another survey article, and I'm not really sure about it. But hey, it's 4:30 on a Monday night/Tuesday morning, and I'm not sure about a lot of things right now. :)

To the Mink!

This month's excerpt:
Studd* and his girlfriend Chiffon are preferring to be spending the evening at the local watering hole. “A lot of bars are having drink specials that night if you're in costume, which is great! I usually dress up as a Chippendale dancer or some other kind of stripper. By the end of the night I'm usually drunk, naked, and lying on somebody's table making out with some hot chick.” Of course, Chiffon is never being far from Studd's mind. “Chiffy's usually off doing her own thing with some guy, but we all meet up again at the end of the night to top it all off with a foursome!”

Sun, 16 Sep 2007 10:36:46 GMT

I've been bad about blogging work on Ramón of late. But never fear, he's still Up.

The last couple of months have been inspired by my recent move. Before, it was road trips. This time, it's a Ramón essay all about...the Phone Company! This one's devoted to the bastards at Qwest who still can't seem to get my service working properly.

Phone the Mink!

The excerpt:
How are you dealing with the solicitors when they are calling? Of course, I am not referring here to the Good kind of Solicitation, that you might be getting from the lady in the short pink dress on the downtown corner at the three of the morning. I am talking about the people who are wishing to be selling you the car insurance or the ostrich waxer or the whatever and whatnot. But you should be remembering that every call, it is the chance for Love! Start slowly—they will be less likely to be saying no. For example, when the young man is asking you if you can be taking the short survey, ask if instead you can be Surveying him! Ask him what he is wearing, if he is having the girlfriend, and how big his Package is being. Soon you will be engaged in the outright Telephone Lovemaking, without his boss being any the wiser!

Gah

Sat, 16 Jun 2007 09:38:04 GMT

It's nearly 5:00 am, and I stayed up late just to get this one done "on time." Okay, it's not really on time, but I've had a hellish last couple of weeks due to my father needing surgery and other exciting things like that. So again, I'm not counting it toward my limit.

Regardless, this time it's Ramón's take on Gay Pride month. In other words, this one's not for the faint of heart...as if any of them are. :)

Link to the Mink

This month's preview:
Of course, even if you are appearing perfect, you can still be ruining the chances for the Gay Love if you are saying the wrong thing. Start by practithing the lithp, until you can be rethiting the Thalathiouth Tholiloquieth in your thleep. No affectation is too outlandish! Also, you must be sure to be adding in lots of the Gay slang terms. Pepper the speech with the terms like “twink,” “cottaging,” “meat rack,” “potato queen,” “shrimping,” “basket,” and “Dutch boy.” In truth, no one is knowing what these phrases are meaning—they are simply the terms that the Gay people are using when talking to one another. If you are wanting to fit in without the suspicion, you should be doing the same! Also, the Gay men have the habit of referring to the others as the certain quadrupeds, such as the bear, the otter, or the weasel. So if you are telling the cute shirtless man that he is the fine piece of duckbilled platypus, no one will be thinking it amiss.

On Time, This Time!

Tue, 15 May 2007 05:58:52 GMT

Ha! We're back to updating in a timely manner!

And I must say, this is another title screen of which I'm particularly proud. Not because of the artistic ability, or anything—but because of how blinding it is. :)

De-oculate me!

This month's preview:
In order to be attracting the Man, first you must be Learning to be Understanding him. At heart, he is the Kind and Sensitive soul for whom you are looking. However, he has been trained since the birth to be covering this up. He must be knowing how to be Fixing the Plumbing, how to be Tracking the Mammoth through the subzero snowstorms, and how to be Wielding the Rapier with both the Style and the Panache! However, if you are learning too about these Manly things, it might be the excellent conversation starter. Next time you are in the bar or the pub, go up to the Studly Stranger and be asking him to be regaling you with the stories of the last saber-toothed tiger that he was bringing down. I, Ramón the Mink of Love, am guaranteeing that the Ice will be Broken immediately.

And we have April

Mon, 23 Apr 2007 06:48:22 GMT

We're late this month. I've been having a bit of a hellish time for the last month or so. But never fear, for the Mink is still out there (even if he is a bit tardy).

So this month I decided that fair's fair. I've mocked other religions and traditions enough—it's time to take my own on. Which means...either you'll think this one hysterically funny, or you'll be very confused. Either way, I win. :)

Barukh atah Adonai, eloheinu melekh ha'olam, borei pre ha-Mink!

This month's preview:
There are also many of the sacred foods that are eaten with the Passover meal. Each is having the separate mystical meaning. For example, the Long, Hard shank bone is representing the Masculine Passion that was driving Moses. Likewise the egg symbolizes the Feminine Lust, as personified in Moses' sister Miriam. The matzah bread is signifying the hard, crusty, dry life without the Passion that the Hebrews were living under the Egyptians. By contrast the spicy horseradish represents the Hot, Steamy Life that the Jews are living now. And of course the raw oysters are representing the Fecundity and the Throbbing Passion by which the Jews have lived since the long ago times.

Happy St. Patrick's Day

Fri, 16 Mar 2007 06:15:29 GMT

Technically speaking, I'm an hour late. I'm not going to count it against my resolution though—it's up, and it's still the 15th where most of my audience is. So does that count?

Anyway, I'm particularly proud of the front page drawing this time. I'm getting better at playing with shadings and transparencies. The rest of this month is about St. Patrick's Day, and the annual insanity that goes with it. Ever wondered how to insult drunken frat boys and the devoutly Catholic in the same breath? Wonder no more...

A minking we will go!

The excerpt:
But what are you knowing of the Saint Patrick himself? Today he is the patron saint of Ireland, the green beer, and the marshmallowy breakfast cereals. He traveled around Ireland in the fifth century, using the three-leafed shamrock to be explaining the threefold nature of the Love: the Lust, the Passion, and the Romance. He is also well known for having Charmed all of the Snakes of Ireland to Attention with the Suave Demeanor and the Manly Physique. Even after he was dying, the druids of the island continued to Honor him with their Pagan rites. Every St. Patrick's Day they would put on the green robes, drink the Irish whiskey until they could no longer stand, and then be Deflowering the virgin girls (and each other) in his name.

Ha!

Fri, 16 Feb 2007 05:57:11 GMT

I said before that I'd make the majority of updates by the 15th of the month, and I made it. Ramón's up with 10 minutes to spare.

This month it's a Valentine's Day special about chocolate. Specifically, what kinds of fillings do you get in your boxes of chocolates, in order to convince your lover to...er...love. Yeah.

Minkward, ho!

Here's your preview:

The Liquor ♥ ♥ ♥
At last we are having the chocolate filling that will be helping you to Induce the Lover into Great Feats of Ecstasy. Unfortunately, most alcoholic chocolates are only containing the tiniest bit of booze, so that it will not be helping you much. Fortunately you can be remedying this by making the chocolates yourself. If you are making them the size of the tennis ball and filling them with the grain alcohol, you just might have enough to be Affecting him or her. However try not to be letting the alcohol be dissolving the chocolate.

More Positions!

Tue, 16 Jan 2007 05:43:11 GMT

Last January's positions feature went over well enough...so we're going to try this again. Maybe this will be a regular January tradition? (That is, if I can continue to work on sex position illustrations in the student union without getting kicked out...)

I should also mention that one of my new year's resolutions is to have Ramón up by the 15th of each month, at least 10 out of 12 times. This month I made it...by about 20 minutes. :)

To Ramón!

This month's (graphic) excerpt:
The Concupiscent Cocoon

This Position is a good one if you are ever finding yourself in the Tight Space. Couple yourselves tightly together, and tie the rope or the bungee cord around the ankles. Afix the other end to the railing or the coatrack, and leap!

The Bravery will be most Amply Rewarded. Not only is this Position allowing the Deep Penetration (into the ground), but the Death Defying is giving you the High of Adrenaline that is like no other! The Exhilaration is most Wonderful if you can be doing this off the bridge, the cliff, or the Hoover Dam. I, Ramón the Mink of Love, am giving you my Guarantee that you will be Returning to this one over and over again!

Happy Holidays!

Sat, 23 Dec 2006 06:44:39 GMT

'Twas the Friday before Christmas,
And all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring,
Except for that damned mink. :)

This month it's all about arts and crafts, just in case you want to make your own holiday gifts...Ramón Style!

That Minkly Link

This month's excerpt:
If you have always been good at the chemistry or the cooking, perhaps you could be trying to be mastering the art of the Brewing. There is nothing that can quite be comparing to the good handcrafted ale or lager. Plus, even the non-drinkers might be willing to sample the beverage when they are knowing that you have been making it yourself. The trick, it is to be adding as much alcohol as is possible without the receiver being any the wiser. Instead of adding just the water to the mixture as the recipe is calling, try adding the water and the grain alcohol in the equal amounts. (You can also be adding more sugar to be covering up the taste, if you are desiring.) After the drink has been fermenting, be sure to be distilling it to be further enhancing its Intoxicating Properties. I, Ramón the Mink of Love, have been most Successful in making the 100 proof ale, that has been Allowing me into some beds into which I may not otherwise have gotten.

November's up

Sat, 25 Nov 2006 06:52:58 GMT

Well, I got to my parents' place for Thanksgiving and promptly got sick...so this is up a little later than I would have hoped. But I'm still trying to work back so that these are going up during the first half of the month.

This time it's for Veterans Day/Remembrance Day (depending on which country you're in, though I doubt I have many international readers). So if a bunch of angry soldiers ask you where they can find me...well, at least try to give me a heads up, okay? Thanks! :)

The link!

The excerpt:
The first thing you can be doing is to be sending the Personal Effects to our brave Men and Women. If you are addressing the package to “Any Soldier,” you may be assured that your Love-Gifts will be given to one who is most Needing the Affection. Remember, these troops have been spending months with no Bedmate except the camels and the scorpions. And for some reason, the military, it is not permitting the Men to be Sharing in the Most Masculine Ministrations among each other. But what to be giving them? The cheap alcohol, it is always the acceptable gift. It can be drunk alone, or it can be used to Barter for the Affection with the native peoples. Another idea is to be sending the Mens Magazine, with its pictures of the Lusty, Lascivious Lasses, or perhaps the Erotic Writings or the Adult Videos. But even more appreciated are the Arts that you yourself have been creating. Get a friend to be taking the Naughty Photographs of you, and send them on to the Anonymous Soldier. I guarantee you, you will be Making a Friend instantly. And you should not be hesitating to be doing this if you are male. Remember, the soldiers are needing the Love of all their Country-Men too!